Help with mourning a loved one:- 2 years on.

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Two years have passed since my beloved parents have left us.

I do not regret their leaving us as they both had much sufferings to put up with. For that reason I am happy that their ordeal is completed

I do not regret any of the quality time we have had. It is part of having loved them to the best of my ability and being loved by them in their own way.

But I do so miss their presence, their smiles, their words of encouragement, the constancy of their help no matter what,  and their familiar sayings.

They have practiced what is called “UNCONDITIONAL LOVE”. This type of love brings forth from me words of thanks.

At first this lack of presence used to send a piercing pain in my heart as it is hard to grasp the meaning of one moment they are here and next they are gone.

I used to stare at my favourite photo of them together on Papa’s chair. Photo taken by my sister on April 23, 2008.

I found myself listening to music Papa loved and I used to feel close to him then.

I found myself going to the shop and smelling all the different types of washing powder so my clothes would have the same smell as Maman’s.

The list is so long it would be impossible to transfer them all here.

I remember thinking that this cannot be too healthy. Not now. For me, I know I had to do this to get over the grief feelings.

We all have a different way to cope with losing our loved ones. This was my way and I believe this was a necessary part of growing for me.

Whenever my siblings or other close members of the family meet, we often remember special occasions or recount times when it used to bring us together.

Nowadays we’ve had so many reminders that even though they are not visibly present, they somehow have managed to keep an eye on each one of us.

We feel unashamed to call out to them for help and they come.

My eldest sister can recount her recent story in a comment if she wishes as it does illustrate that point.

The little house I recently bought had all the markings of Maman’s choice in it. Did she guide me to it?

I asked my sister to check a house No65 for me. Of course gave her the wrong address. Then I found it again and she went to have a look.

She was thrilled and said that’s it. The colours and the look of the place were exactly what Maman and I had discussed one day a few years back.

Time is a healer, it is true.

 Pain of feeling this loss is not stressful since it derives its healing power from having loved 2 beautiful human beings.

I found this poem and it was so appropriate, I have to include it here:- It and other poems and prayers can be seen at

http://www.penzancecatholicchurch.org/bereavement/

Death is nothing at all.

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
[There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident?]
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.

All is well.
Canon Henry Scott Holland of St. Paul’s Cathedral

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5 Responses to Help with mourning a loved one:- 2 years on.

  1. vicval says:

    Dear Kiki,
    Through writing my book, I relived many memories and I have been and still am amazed at how much they have helped with getting over grief. I was sad at the lack of communication with my father. Just tonight, my sister told me, ‘Now that you have Papa’s meditation chair, sit in it and talk to him, he knows all now.’ This is comforting. I love having my sister staying with me when she comes down, A real pleasure.

    Believe it or not the book is completed. It was easy to write. It is the rest which complicates writing. Proof reading, editing, formatting, working out whether it is a plubish on demand or try to actually find a publisher. It is a shame publishers are made of people who are first suspicious of a first book and this reminds me of a story in Myscibeweb where J. K. Rowling had problems finding a publisher for Harry Potter. I bet those publishers who rejected her originally must be forever sorry when one sees that in fact she had written a best seller.

    Would love to come to Melbourne and see you all. I never thought I had so many people there I care about.

    God bless you and J.Alain from Liette

  2. Have discovered your site via google the other day and absolutely adore it. Continue the good work.

  3. This is a wonderful post and may be one that should be followed up to see how things go

    A comrade e-mailed this link the other day and I will be desperately awaiting your next piece of writing. Keep on on the very good work.

  4. vicval says:

    Kiki, when I wrote this second part, I had both of you as well as a dear friend of mine who just lost her mother.
    Mourning is so personal that each person goes through it in one’s own way. For some it is easy and for others it takes a little longer.
    I was talking to a lady recently and she mentioned how difficult it was for her sister. Just by chance I mentioned how I had to deal with regrets, specially the aspect of guilt feelings, when in reality guilt was not the problem. I felt there was so much more I could have done. At the time I did the best I could even though never satisfied.
    She mentioned it to her sister and the latter is on the way to recovery and health by simply dealing with guilt.
    It is amazing how the brain functions and remembers.

  5. kiki says:

    I love this poem. I always find it very comforting too Liette, and understand totally what you mean. It is over 3 years since my dad died, and I am still waiting for the grief to pass.. I am starting to wonder: will this deep sense of loss will always stay with me? In the last year, we have lost both my father in law and now my mother in law – they were my 2nd set of parents and it has brought back all this feeling of limbo all over again. Thinking of you and doing my little bit to help you in what you asked in the email.. Hope to catch up soon, either in Melb or Sydney.. Big kiss. KIKI

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